Hamlet Act III: Remix

My initial idea was a remix of Hamlet set in a junior high.  The setting seemed like a reasonable premise for "modernizing" the text.  However, to differentiate it from a number of other similar parodies, I decided to only change the dialogue and leave Hamlet's brutal situation as it was.  The entire thing is incredibly contrived, so I made little attempt to justify it logically.  I added in some short bits that fit with the theme (nothing that changes the story) and cut down the length, but did my best to keep  it within the spirit of Shakespeare.  Besides that, I didn't tone down the plot at all.  At the time, I thought it would be a good opportunity for some dark humor, but it turned out a lot more disturbing than I anticipated.  It was written with a sarcastic tone in mind--I'm not psychopathic, I promise!  Apparently, pairing a mild setting with a violent story makes the whole thing a bit more messed up.  Regardless of how it turned out, it's an interesting look at how important context is to plot.  Obviously, take it all with a grain of salt.

If you can't figure it out, here's the characters and their changed names.
Hammond = Hamlet
Clive = Claudius
Paul = Polonius
Gary = Guildenstern
Ralph = Rosencrantz
Harry = Horatio
Georgina = Gertrude
Olivia = Ophelia

Background
Hammond is a young student attending Denmark Preparatory School, a private institution for Denmark's finest (or richest) students.  Hammond's father, the extremely high paid principal of the school, was recently murdered.  Hammond suspects that his uncle/stepfather (Clive, scandalously married to his mother shortly after his father's death) committed the murder by pouring Clorox into the ear of Hammond Sr. in order to gain the principal position through some archaic hereditary system of succession.  Hammond plans to show the murder of his father at the school's talent show in order to gauge Principal Clive's reaction. If he can confirm his suspicious, he will carry out his bloody revenge.  The scene begins as Hammond instructs the actors.

HAMMOND:
Don't overact.  Act it out exactly like I showed you earlier.  Don't push your character too much, or it'll be like those old Schwarzenegger movies.  Man, those are awful.

FIRST PLAYER:
Don't worry, I got this.

HAMMOND:
Don't underact either.  Just go with the flow, live the moment.  Become the character.

FIRST PLAYER:
I know, acting is kinda my thing.

HAMMOND:
I get you.  But I took drama in 7th grade, so I know what I'm talking about.  Just trust me.
Exeunt Players
Enter PAUL, RALPH, and GARY.
Hey, you guys know if my uncle's coming to the show?

PAUL:
He'll be there.  So will your mom.  (Ralph and Gary giggle in the background).

HAMMOND:
Go tell the actors to hurry it up.
Exit PAUL
Can you guys go give them a hand?
Exeunt RALPH and GARY
What's up Harry?
Enter HARRY

HARRY:
Just here to help.

HAMMOND:
You're my best friend, you know that?  Like, seriously.

HARRY:
Well, I--

HAMMOND:
Don't think I'm trying to get anything from you though.  I'm mean, let's be honest, you're poor.  Not like you have anything to give me anyway.  Nah, I'll save the kissing up for teachers.  Anyway, watch my uncle/stepfather for me, will you?  If the murder scene disturbs him, then I'll know the ghost was telling the truth so I can go ahead and kill him.

HARRY:
I'll watch him like a hawk.  If he so much as winces at his brother's death, I'll let you know.

Lights dim as PRINCIPAL CLIVE, GEORGINA, PAUL, OLIVIA, RALPH, GARY, and others enter

PRINCIPAL CLIVE:
How're you doing Hammond?

HAMMOND:
Excellent.  I've been eating lots of air, and it's doing wonders for me.

PRINCIPAL CLIVE:
I, well, um...That's wonderful, Hammond.

GEORGINA:
Sit by me, Hammond!

HAMMOND:
No thanks.  I think I'll sit by Olivia.  She's better looking.

PAUL:
To PRINCIPAL CLIVE
O, ho, ho!  What do we have here?

HAMMOND:
So...should I "lie" in your "lap"?
Lying down at OLIVIA'S FEET.

OLIVIA:
No.

HAMMOND:
I meant my head.  My head on your lap.

OLIVIA:
Yup.

HAMMOND:
Wait.  Did you think that I meant...

OLIVIA:
No!  What?  I thought you meant--nothing.

HAMMOND:
That's a nice thing to be between a girl's legs.

They watch the talent show, and arrive at the reenactment of the principal's murder.

OLIVIA:
The principal's leaving.

HAMMOND:
I wonder why.  What could he possibly be so flustered about?

PRINCIPAL CLIVE:
Turn the lights back on!  Stop the show!
Exeunt all by HAMMOND and HARRY

HAMMOND:
You saw that, right?  When we murdered my Dad onstage?

HARRY:
Yeah, I was watching the whole time.  Somebody's squeamish.

Re-enter RALPH and GARY

GARY:
Your uncle is back at home, and he's not feeling well.

HAMMOND:
What, drunk again?

GARY:
No.  He's pissed.

HAMMOND:
Why would you tell me?  I'll just make it worse, and you know I will.

GARY:
Well, your mom's upset as well.  She told me to see you.

HAMMOND:
Well, it's nice to see you.

GARY:
If you can be serious for a second, I'll tell you what your mom wants.  If not, it's not my problem.

HAMMOND:
I can't.

GARY:
What?

HAMMOND:
I can't be serious.  I'm a bit hysterical right now, but I'll do my best.  So my mom wants...?

GARY:
She says, and I quote: "Your behavior never ceases to amaze me."

HAMMOND:
I'm such a great son; I've made Mom proud.  What now?

GARY:
She wants to speak with you.

After being harassed and distracted by GARY, RALPH, and PAUL, HAMMOND goes to see his mother.